As I read the book, and read how she is afraid of love, how she fights against love: tears come to my eyes.
It touches me, because I recognize myself at some moments in the past few days.
The vulnerability of really giving myself, my heart and sexuality. The sheer vulnerability of me connecting so deeply with you…
I close. Like an iron wall that I build towards you. Unsafe. Unsafe. I have to get out of this.
In a millimeter of a second you change from prince on the white horse to satan.
I am afraid of my own experience.
The defenses are ‘on’. And I see it happening.
I don’t want this, I want to get away from this.
And then I remember: it’s my little girl. My girl who can be so scared..
Such a vulnerable feeling.
And she calls me, can I be there? Can I be scared? Can I be heard? Could I join?
That’s what she wants, that’s what she wants, behind that iron steel wall.
It all happens so fast, it seems like I have no control over it.
How exciting it is to sink into this feeling, to allow this, to lower the defenses, to let the feeling of ‘yes, but I am the teacher of spaceholder’ melt.
In this love I encounter all my old traumas, fight and flight mechanisms.
And oh how intense and sudden that is sometimes!
And yet every time I choose again: yes I choose this. I choose love. Every time again.
And it can be exciting. It may be scary. It can be messy.
I may melt. I can melt….