Last night. I lay in bed. “He soon comes with me.” I think. I’m looking forward.
And then he doesn’t come. For me it takes a very long time. And then something happens in me. I’m closing. The feeling of rejoicing turns 90 degrees and gives way to a feeling of being locked.
He gets to bed and touches me.
But I can’t receive it.
My system is locked. “I thought you would come earlier.” A feeling of insecurity and feeling unseen.
The only way I felt safe was to find my own bed.
Today another new start. We have a deep conversation that goes well. But at the end, something ‘happens’ again.
I want to go ‘further in the feeling’, but he thinks it is good this way.
What again started as a connecting intention, ends in a distance and difference of need.
This kind of situation comes to me sometimes.
And I have no ‘solution’ for it. I think that this kind of things doesnt wants to ‘get fixed’, that there is the illusion.
The ‘carrying’ of the uncomfortable, the disharmonious, that is where liberation lies for me.
It’s all part of the dance of love. Everything is allowed: open, closed. Together alone. Fine, not fine.
That is what love for me is about.
